A Curious Statistical Anomaly

Maybe it could be a song, I haven’t slept much in during the last two nights. I spend time in bed, but just don’t manage to drop down deep enough in sleep to dream. I toss and turn and turn and toss and finally get up and read or watch something. Sometimes I really wish I had something that showed — some problem so that people could look at me and think: she’s in pain, let’s go easy on her. But I don’t.  I look healthy. Even when on that blasted scale of pain from 1 to 10 when the pain is a 7 or 8, I look perfectly normal. I’ve learned to hide mostly.

My poor husband puts up with the whimpers and the tears. He tries to comfort, but it’s now day three of pain level 6 or 7, and I’m beginning to wonder if the the pain itself is driving the new pain. I don’t have any pain meds left that work on this. I’ve got Imitrex nasal spray and last night, since I had a whopping migraine on top of the muscle aches, I used it. So after the Imitrex and 7 extra-strength Tylenol, I managed to get 2 1/2 hours of sleep.

I’m whining. I know I am. But I’m sick of the American medical system that ignores people in chronic pain. If I hear “Go to your happy place” or “you don’t need pain medication, you just need to change your attitude”, I’ll scream. I’d like to say: let me take this hammer and smash it into your hand with all my might, then you can go to your happy place and adjust your attitude, but for heaven’s sake don’t take any pain meds because that’s a crutch and it might be addicting.

I’m going to have to ask for pain meds again on my next doctor’s visit. My last Rx ran out over a year ago and I’ve been very sparing on the last 30 pills. I’m not in the market to get addicted. I just want a good night’s sleep once in a while. When the pain level is around 4, I usually can handle it, but these last few days are making me feel like something the cat dragged in after a particularly energetic bout of “play”.

So, I hate to be such a wimp but gee, I got to vent sometime to someone. Doesn’t make me feel any better physically, but I do feel better emotionally. So, just how do you handle pain without pain killers? Grit your teeth. Find a happy place. Beg for medication. Sit in the dark and cry? Just wondering how other fibromyalgia, migraineurs, or just people living with chronic pain cope.

All day today I’ve felt sort of off. By they time we had supper ready, I realized I had a headache — took some Tylenol. Two hours later I realized it was a whopping migraine. After taking one of my bazooka pain pills (of which I’m getting really, really low) it seems like the edge is off a bit but I can’t wear my glasses around my neck, everything has a halo, and just this bit of typing is taking for ever. (I’ve got a spell checker that works in forms and just about every other word is coming up with the red underline that means it’s misspelled. Thanks to the geeks of the world, I can still post correctly spelled drivel with a migraine.)

At least I got the proofing I needed to get done today for work before the migraine hit hard. I’d forgotten just how bad and painful these things can be. I had a minor one last month. Tomorrow I see my acupuncturist, she’s really helped with relieving the migraines. Usually, I have the halo and inability to think clearly but I don’t have more than the usual headache level of pain. So, now I’m not used to it like I was when I was on Tamoxifen (after having breast cancer) and had migraines every day for five years.

It’s like falling into a black pit of memories that I would really rather do without. If you’ve never had a migraine and you’re thinking, “it’s only a headache.” Well, take the worst headache you’ve every had in your life then imagine whacking yourself with a hammer or 2×4 and then multiply that by 100 — that’s migraine pain. If you’re really lucky you manage to medicate yourself enough to fall asleep or pass out — either one is a god sent relief. I’m signing off and taking another of my hoarded pain pills (remember doctors are very leary of giving out pain medications — my insurance company says aspirin and Tylenol work just as well for migraines as the Rx’d pain meds — I wish every medical insurance company exec would have a migraine at least once a week for a year and be only allowed to have aspirin or Tylenol — I believe they’d rapidly change their tune.)

Hopefully, the weather will stabilize (I’m pressure sensitive), and my acupuncturist will be able to help, and by tomorrow evening I’ll be able to think straight and talk coherently.

There are some days that, no matter what you do — meditation, yoga, sitting quietly in the dark — it doesn’t help. The pounding just goes on and on. The least it could do is have a nice beat that is easy to dance to or sing counterpoint to. Guess that’s too much to ask of a migraine — at least it puts on a good light show at times.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually, do a post. Provided I can think.